The Prequel’s Prequel’s Sequel’s Sequel & The KP
by Evil-Sme-Schizo-Pip
Summary: The Prequel’s Prequel’s Sequel’s Sequel and The Kleptomania ‘Posse’, to give it it's full title, is a story by moi, obviously, about random people going somewhere, and it's about LOTR, yes, yes, yes. For those who knows my, er, 'unique', style,
1. Chapter 1

The Prequel's Prequel's Sequel's Sequel and The Kleptomania 'Posse'!!!!

Chapter 1 

Twas the night before Hallowe'en, and Lucie was having a Parté. A Hallowe'en parté to be precise. She just couldn't get enough of cheap decorations, and crap 'scary' stories, and a video playing in the background apparently setting the scene but actually giving the soon to be utterly pissed guests something to shout at or be fascinated by while Lucie attempted to clean up.

Indeed.

But, tonight was a reunion, sorta, of the Kleptomania 'Posse'!!!! The group of maniacs who had gone to the Collectormania Convention to meet random 'stars', who no one had heard of unless they were GLAYVENS about Star Wars, Harry Potter, or, Lord of the Rings.

"Woooo, LOTR!!!!"

Shut up Lucie.

"What, you said LOTR."

Well technically I said Lord of the Rings, not the abbreviation, but

"Wow, I now understand why so many people hate me."

Ha, yeah. Me too.

Silence.

"Ok, get on with it."

Okally dokally. So, right, er Hallowe'en parté. You are aware we're making this up from the tips of our fingertips based on a conversation we had with ourself about 4 minutes ago.

"I am aware."

Good.

The 'Kleptomania Posse', lovingly named by Lucie, who is GRRREAT, consisted of, well Lucie, Flicky, Nicole, Caz, and Pokey. Who is a girl with a secret penis.

"Oooh, she's gonna kill you for that."

I'm you, shithead.

"Point taken. I won't mention it again."

Great. So what video are you putting on.

"The Day After Tomorrow."

Wonderful. I love that film.

"I know you do."

DING DONG

"Ooh, a guest."

She opened the door and there stood the Kleptomania Posse!!!!

"Wahey!!!! Welcome guys, to my humble abode."

"Wow", said Flicky, "You really went all out on the cheap decorations this year!!!!"

"Ahhh yes, my friend, thank the lord, Yoda, for Poundland."

They stood in silence for a moment commemorating Poundland, and then started milling about, eating, crazy dancing, and eventually getting drunk.

Lucie stumbled over to the video and turned it on. Eyes turned and watched through blurry vision, as "The Day After Tomorrow" flashed onscreen...

When...

SHMOOSH!!!!

No, Sparky the Raptor/person did not come in and break my ankles, but The Kleptomania 'Posse' found themselves thrown out of time and space and landed, after what seemed like hours of pointless floating, on a hard floor.

Where the hell were they...????


	2. Chapter 2

_**Chapter 2**_

Lucie got up precariously. She was still a little drunk, sure she was 15, but everyone drinks these days. Go on, admit it. Exactly. She groaned and stretched then cried out in pain. The room she was in had a very very low ceiling, or a very high floor, which ever way you wanna look at it.

Pokey, the girl with a secret penis, Nicole, Caz, and Flicky were sprawled out around her, and they too had started to get up.

"Where the hell are we????" said Nicole.

"I feel sick..." Caz moaned.

"I feel tall-for once." Said Flicky as she attempted to stand up.

"I feel like a man." Said Pokey.

Lucie looked at her, and Pokey quickly tried to hide the lump in her trousers.

"Wait a minute!!!!" Flicky gasped. "I know where we are!!!!"

"Well, duh, it's a little obvious." Said a grand old voice.

"Gandalf the gay!!!!" Pokey shouted, delighted.

"It's GREY, dumbarse, stop being so hopeful." Caz spat and pushed Pokey over.

"Mean."

"Shut up and listen to meeeeee, as I'm important." Gandalf said. Oddly enough, no one had paid much attention to the fact a fictional character was talking to them, btu that's the way this type of story goes.

"Gandalf???? But..we were just in my house...we were having a party...guys????" Lucie asked. "Do you think we're dead????"

"Where the hell is the sense in that????" Nicole scoffed.

Everyone looked at her.

"I'll be over here."

Gandalf grabbed Lucie, who was nearest and shook her by the shoulders.

Ow.

"How did you get here!!!! You're not supposed to be here!!!! We're filming!!!!"

"Ooooooooooh" said Lucie, with some difficulty as she was still being shaken. "You're filming Lotr!!!!"

"And that makes more sense HOW????" Flicky slapped a hand to her forehead.

Pokey started whining and Caz kicked her in the back of the head.

Gandalf stopped shaking Lucie and slapped his hand to his own forehead.

"No numbnuts, of course we're not filming, this 'Lotr' you speak of!!!! Actually it's a documentary of Frodo Baggins' life. Yup, he's due here any moment."

"Riiiiiiiight, so how did we get here????"

"Well, don't ask me why, but people usually get teleported here if they watch a prequel or some film about Frodo."

"But we didn't!!!! We were about to watch The Day After Tomorrow and BAM we were here!!!!" Lucie shrieked, ripping otu some of her hair.

"Actually it was more of a Boom, not really a BAM, really, i-"

This was Pokey, and Caz and Nicole had both punched her in the head.

"Well there you go, you saw a prequel." Gandalf explained exaperated, and started walking off.

"What???? I thought The Hobbit was a prequel!!!!" Lucie said.

"Well yes, that's the prequel's prequel."

"Yeah, it's still a prequel."

"No, it's the prequel of our prequel."

"Which still makes it a prequel."

"Not of this."

"But it's A prequel."

"Yes, quite."

"A prequel of The Day After Tomorrow."

"Yes."

"Which is your prequel."

"indeed."

Lucie nodded slowly for a few seconds, until Flicky pointed out that-

"This makes NO FUCKING SENSE!!!!"

"Indeed it doesn't. Now GET OUT before Frodo comes home."

Pokey jumped up.

"Frodo???? WOW!!!! I'm gonna-"

Caz kicked her int he head. Again.

"Oh shut up and go suck your secret penis."

Just then, the door swung open...


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

In walked Frodo-do-do. H elooked around once, put down his keys to his Porsche, and took off his multicoloured hat, signed by Lucie Nash in eyeliner-badly-, and scratched his head.

"What the HELL are you lot doing here????"

"He, Frodo!!!! I'm Flicky!!!! I WUV YOU!!!!" Flicky screamed and fainted.

"Well of course you're Flicky!!!! And you're Nicole, and that's the man-woman, and there's Caz, and THAT!!!! THAT is LUCIE!!!! She's the worst...GET AWAY FROM ME!!!! I'VE HEARD ABOUT YOU!!!!"

He desperately tried to climb the door as Lucie waved hello. She looked around at her Posse, confused as hell, till Frodo opened the front door inwards and showed them a poster:

_**WARNING ALL FICTIONAL CHARACTERS!!!!**_

_**LOOK OUT FOR 4 DANGEROUS GIRLS AND ONE SHEMALE, THEY ARE POSSIBLY ARMED AND FOREVER PERILOUS!!!!**_

_**THEY FEED FROM THE LIFE OF LOTR CHARACTERS AND WILL DESTROY YOU IF SIGHTED!!!!**_

_**ESPECIALLY LOOK OUT FOR THE ONE WHO IS MOSTLY MULTICOLOURED AND GOES BY THE NAME LUCIE. SHE HAS A HIGH SEX DRIVE AND WILL RAPE ALL OF YOU-BLOOD WILL BE EVERYWHERE!!!!**_

_**NO ONE IS SAFE!!!!**_

"Wow." Lucie said, shaking her head. "They portray me as some kinda sex mad freak."

Flicky raised her eyebrows.

"Ok, point taken."

"PLEEEEEEEEASE don't kill me!!!! I have a wife, and kids" Frodo stuttered. "Take Gandalf he's no use to anyone!!!!"

"You do not have a wife and kids!!!! Sam is the closest to a wife you can get!!!!"

"True. ARGH PLEEEEEEEASE DON'T RAPE ME!!!"

"Look, Frody." Nicole wlaked up to him.

"It's Frodo."

"Whatever!!!! We're harmless really, we just get a little crazy around, Dom,-

Flicky: "Elijah Wood."

Caz: "Sean Astin."

Pokey: "Gamling."

Lucie: "Men."

-and we won't HURT you..."

"Much..." Pokey laughed.

Caz kicked her in the back of the head.

"S-s-so, you own't rape me...????"

"Nope."

Frodo sighed and smoothed his ¾ length trousers.

"Good, well I'm going to straighten me feet hair."

And he went upstairs.

Gandalf had sat at the back smoking through all this, and suddenly chuckled.

"Hey, how come you didn't know who we were, if we're such renowned maniacs????" askedFLicky, confused as per usual.

"HA!!!!" gandalf cackled. "I don't know anything that goes on outside my pipe!!!!" And he started giggling and fell off his stool.

And Pokey's trousers went PING up.


	4. Chapter 4

_**Chapter 4**_

After donning fake moustaches and tweed hats, and Flciky and Lucie wearing their hobbit costumes, the 5 girls (lets call pokey a girl, for now) left Bag end, which by the way, was where they were, and strolled down the lane to the midst of the Shire.

Lucie was suppressing the urge to scream, Flicky was suppressing the urge to throw up, Caz was suppressing the urge to kick Pokey int he head, Nicole wa suppressing the urge to run around in a circle, and Pokey was suppressing, well, we all know what.

All girls were on full alert to find any famous people, and Flicky was getting seriosuly horny for hobbits. She liked the old kind best. Nicole kept pointing out that she would rather have Tom Felton to grope, btu as he is not in LOTR...

At this point, I have resolved to make him into Merry.

There.

NIcole pointed out that she did love Merry cos he was played by her husband to be, Tom Felton.

Lucie lagged behind a bit and walked with Pokey. There was something strange here...

"Pokey's not usually this quiet, and doesn't usually lag behind,a nd doesn't usually have skin falling off her face."

And with that, Pokey had gone, and in her place, stood KEIRA KNIGHTLEY!!!!

"Argh!!!!" screamed Lucie. "no wonder we've all had such urges to kick her in the back fo the head!!!!"

Together they destroyed what was left of Keira's body, and then collapsed, gasping for air.

"Phew." Said Nicole. "That was close."

"Close to what????" asked Caz, tres confused.

"Dunno."

"Guys, ssh!!!! We've lost a Kleptomania member!!!! This is bad!!!! What're we gonna do????" Flciky screeched.

"Since when do you screech????" Lucie said.

"Dunno, you're writing it."

"Fine."

They carried on walking into town and got to a signpost. It said, behind all the signs warning the hobbits about The Kleptomania Posse, 'Tookville-Left' and 'Gamgeeland-Right'.

"Right," said Flicky. "Where should we head for, we hav-"

WHOOSH.

This was the sound of Lucie pushing past them all and heading at full speed down the left path.

"Shit, this could get seriously out of hand."

They ran after her, fake moustaches falling off as they ran.

A little way back, following them, was two hobbits, one of a slightly rounded stature, called Sam and Frodo. Thery were going to have tea...


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5 

Nicole, Flicky and Caz were running as fast as they could after Lucie, when they were caught up by Sam and Frodo. They ran surprisingly fast for hobbits and pushed the 3 KP members outta the way and carried on their way.

"What the hell just happened!?!?" said Caz in a daze.

"I think we were pushed over" said Nicoel, getting up.

Well duh. Springs to mind.

They ran into Tookville and came across a town full of hobbit holes.

"Where do we go????" shouted Caz, frantically.

"Follow the screaming!!!!"

They listened itnently and heard a high pitched squeal followed by a hungry sounding drool.

"That way!!!!"

They burst into a hole on the left, and saw a disturbing sight. Frodo and Sam, no not THAT, you sick minded freaks, Frodo and Sam were holding back a gasping Lucie who was desperately trying to get to none other than Pippin, who was cowering in the corner.

"Oh dear." Said Flicky.

"Heeeeeeeeelp meeeeeee!!!!" Pippin squealed.

"We're bloody trying to!!!!" Frodo mumbled while trying to stop Lucie's hand reaching for her minigun, to shoot him with.

"I WWWANT PIPPIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Lucie screamed. And you knew it was a desperate scream, as it had MORE THAN 4 EXCLAMATION MARKS!!!!

With some, well, a lot of difficulty, Flicky, Caz and Nicole managed to calm Lucie down and let Pippin free. By calm down, I mean they sedated her, and let her sleep on Pip's sofa, while they explained that she-

"Has a mental problem. Her life is run by her crotch." Flicky said.

"Oh..." Pippin clutched his cup of tea. He was still unsure whether the KP were safe. He jsut wanted to get back to his knitting. "Will she, will she be like that when she wakes????"

"Unfortunately yes. Unless we convince her you're not really Pippin or something."

"Ooh!!!! I'm not!!!! I'm really...Ron Weasley!!!!"

Nicole & Caz: WHA????

Flicky: Uh huh. I thought this would happen.

Frodo and Sam, went to have their tea.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6 

"So, er Sam. Did anyone ever tell you about the birds and the bees????"

"Oh no Mr Frodo. I hate those birds, they eat all my strawberries."

"Yes, quite, quite. Erm, well, Sam. Have you ever...er, it's Rosie's birthday soon isn't it???? What're you gonna get her????"

"Oh I don't know Mr. Frodo."

"How about a new dildo????"

Sam blushed.

"Oh yes, maybe Mr. Frodo. She ahs a collection you know, but I don't know whether to get her a blue one or a polka dot one, she has so many Mr. Frodo, and then sometimes she says a cucumber is enough Mr. Frodo and, and, shuddup!!!!"

"Ah ok Sam. Erm, have you and Rosie, ever, well..."

"Ever what????"

"Have you ever slept together...like in the same bed????"

"Oh yes, every night Mr. Frodo. Sometimes Eleanor joins us too!!!!"

"Erm, sure. But have you slept together...without any clothes on...????"

"Oh yes Mr. Frodo. I, er, misplaced my pyjamas!!!!" Sam chuckled.

"Erm, Sam you don't seem to be getting me, erm, Sam. What is down your trousers????"

"Oh Mr. Frodo, that's quite a personal question..., erm" He looked down. "Well, the piece of string."

"String???? Down your trousers????"

"Yes, Mr. Frodo. It's tied around the brick."

"There's a BRICK down there????"

"Yes, I should really take that out of there..." He reached down his trousers. "Ooh...no, actually, I think I'll keep it down there..."

"Is there, anything...else????"

"The stones."

"STONES????"

"Yes, Rosie brought them back from her work in Gandalf's sack."

Frodo was speechless.

"Ok...Sam have you ever has SEX????"

"Er, Frodo, Mr. Frodo, I don't know, er, that's quite, that's a, er, Mr. Frodo, well, er, SHUDDUP!!!!"

"Well???? Have you????"

"Well the thing is, I'm not really Sam."

"I'm not really Frodo, Sam. I am...Elijah Wood!!!!"

"GASP!!!!" said Sam. "I'm not Sam, I'm...Orlando Bloom!!!!"

"Oh my god...oh god...urgh..." Elijah threw up.

"What." Said Bloomy-Boy in a monotone.

"You, we, you raped me...all those years ago..."

"What???? When????"

"You were drunk, against a lamppost...urgh there was blood everywhere..."

"Ok..."


End file.
